Bad Thoughts

I feel like this blog is turning into somewhat of a depressing blog, but it seems like it is something I need to vent with. It sucks that I’m thinking all of these things on Christmas Eve but hey, your mind is your mind. My mind just happens to be crazyyyyyyy. Does anyone else just never stop thinking? My mind is constantly going and I wish there was a drug out there that would just make it shut up for a few minutes. Sometimes it can be a gift and sometimes it can be a curse. If the thoughts are good, it’s a gift and well…if they’re bad..well then you already know. .

College was the best time of my life. I suffered with depression before going to school and when it was time for Christmas break, I just did not want to go. I was so happy there, I surrounded myself with people who I love now and can see a few of them being my best friends for life. NOW, I’m home. I’m home and all of those feelings that I was sad about before college, just come rushing back to my mind like a freight train and I can’t seem to stop them even though I’m not even sad about them any more. Sometimes, they all come in at once and i can barely stand the weight of them all and it blows. I honestly feel like I’m going INSANE. I just want to go back to school, however, I don’t go back until February 8th:(, so i’ve got a while. Also, I’m at my mom’s house for most of winter break and I don’t really have any friends in Baltimore city because I didn’t grow up here, all of my friends live near my dad. I’m just going to try and do the best I can to distract myself, maybe try and meet some new people here in the city.

How about you people? do you have bad thoughts that just rush into your mind and you can’t seem to stop them? If so, how do you help yourself? If anyone feels anything similar feel free to contact me, I’ve learned that no matter how bad some thoughts are, it helps to talk to people….and who better than strangers? lol

Sorry to be writing such a extremely fucking depressing on Christmas Eve, but hey, we’ve all got our problems and I guess we have to face them head on. On a happy note! ITS CHRISTMAS EVE and that means time with family and christmas music….and food…..AND MORE FOOD…..AND TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS…..AND BLEH.

Acne: the cycle from hell

As I was walking through IKEA today with my dad and his girlfriend looking for presents, I passed by a mirror and noticed that the pretty benign acne that i had dealt with this morning had went fucking crazy. I. HATE. ACNE. Stress causes acne, and basically, nowadays everything gives you stress. So this stress acne pops up, and then you get even more stressed because this acne pops up. It is a revolving cycle from hell and I’m fed up with it.

I’m 19 years old and I eat super healthily, but still this shitty acne still pops up unwarranted, and it seems like everyone else at school has no acne, eats shitty food and still looks great. I probably sound like a selfish child right now because honestly, there could be a lot more wrong with me and if teenage acne is one of my only problems then I should consider myself lucky. However, acne still blows and it sucks to try very hard to help something and it does nothing at all.

Anyhow, I got home and I went to town on my face with what I call the “implement of death,” which is a small metal instrument SPECIFICALLY designed for the murdering of nuisance acne. Now i’m sitting in my room, post operation….and I FEEL GREAT:D

Comment back with whatever you like! especially if you have similar problems:0 ADIOS MUCHACHOS

College and that Depression

I love it.

College has opened my eyes so much and now I’m on my winter break, counting the days until I move back in. For 5 or 6 months before college, I was pretty depressed. I had taken a year off after high school, all of my friends were in school, I wasn’t doing so hot mentally and I was just ready to leave. Then I got to college and it has been the happiest I have been in a long time. It has been a bumpy road and I’ve even made some big mistakes. However, it just seems that even when some of these mistakes are crippling, all they do is help me realize what I have and how important this experience is.

The first few weeks of school were awesome, one weekend my friends and I were going to a day drink(dage) and it was still early september so I think it was 95 degrees or so. I hadn’t eaten at all that day, and I don’t remember drinking any water, so what happened to me was definitely my fault. I got extremely drunk that day, passed out in a bathroom and woke up with a cop staring down at me. Ended up being taken to the hospital and having to stay there most of the night until they gave me a nausea pill and released me. Lets just say I was pissed. Avoided telling my parents for a few days, and finally after I had been beaten my guilt, I called my dad. Expecting an angry conversation, all I got was a ” I’m proud of you Sam, you were dumb, but you owned up to your mistake and came out with it.” lets just say I started to cry right then and there, something that I hadn’t done in probably a year, cry. That was the moment I realized I really loved it at college, because all I knew was that I had to stay there, and I had to do whatever it took to not screw up this opportunity.

A few weeks later I went to  a school hearing and ended up getting school probation for a year, which sucks….big time. I still hate myself for what I did that day, I was dumb and caught up in the initial fun of being at college. But I learned that I have the opportunity to go to college and educate myself, something that most people don’t get, and that I shouldn’t fuck it up.

I’m on winter break now, just now getting my final grades in, and it looks like I’m going to do pretty well. I know I should want a break from school, but all I want to do is go back and see my friends,, especially because now when I come home, I just remember the shit I went through here and it makes me a little depressed again. I have 2 months basically before I get to go back, and I’m 4 days in right now, so wish me luck! I’m going to try and fill these 2 months with things that will make me just as happy as college did.

I’m going to try and regularly post, as there are so many negative and positive things on my mind that I want to get out, even if nobody responds to this, it feels good to write it out.

Thanks again everyone, please give me some feedback!:) SAM OUT